FDR1638: The Ghosts of Self-Knowledge. (21:02)
Thanks for the explanations Stef. That cleared up a whole world of misunderstandings about ghosts, religion and projection. (Psychological, not astral.) I guess some background couldn't hurt. I feel selfish reading so much on here and listening to the podcasts without sharing how it's affecting me.
I was brought up Methodist Christian by a paranoid schizophrenic dad. My mom left an alcoholic household when she was 16 to marry him - he was 26 at the time so it didn't go over well. Today he's 72 and she's 63, still married in a passionless mire of what passes publicly as a relationship. His brand of illness wasn't apparent to me until 11 years ago when mom called and said he was throwing away everything in the house, demanding that they live in a different motel every night for the rest of their lives. He was hysterical about bugs made of bacteria that were in all the clothes, dishes, etc., eating everyone alive. When I got there he was at the sink, where he had washed his arms with gasoline until they bled. We made him see a doctor, who promptly locked him away. He wasn't violent, just...crazy. After she spent a few grand to get him out and medicate him he calmed down a bit.
He had always been - and still is - verbally abusive, which mom dismisses as "negativity." He's lain in bed for the past few months, only getting up when he has to, which isn't often. I moved in with them in '08 because my mom was hit head-on by a woman who was texting while driving. Now she's in a wheelchair and can't reach above her head anymore, not even to straighten her collar. Dad's still a shithead and I've been pissed off the whole time I've been here. Which manifests as drinking or bouts of isolation, or both.
Well, after consuming this material for a few weeks, it's been a relentless whirlwind of understanding. The violence of the State explained, then RTR, the podcast about shame and humiliation as tools of the abuser to make history repeat itself, then FDR1638. It just switched on the brightest light in my mind - I may assume that I'm resolving issues just by knowing they exist, but I begin my search for a therapist later this morning. That will continue Monday if I don't talk to someone I like over the phone. I resisted the idea of therapy at first, but I see why it's important - especially for me. I'll think I have everything under control, set my goals too high, fail, and start drinking my ass off again. I'll never be like my dad, but if I want to be a dad at all one day...well, this is the first step.
Just, wow dude. I can't thank you enough for all the podcasts, books and the forum. It's been a "godsend," pardon the pun. :)