Freedomain Radio

The other day i was walking home from a net cafe early in the morning. I was feeling mad at my mother because Stef and I had talked in the chat room about how children who are rejected by their parents might seek out affection from other people who turn out to be predators. I was mad because my mother had rejected me as a child and i ended up being molested by a fourteen year old boy when i was two or three years old. I don't consciously remember the abuse but I do remember that when i started going to school at 5 or 6 she told me that I "shouldn't kiss boys" until i was 16 because it was "slutty". I was thinking about that and how sick and demented it was to tell a child let alone one that had been abused.

While i was thinking about that a man came up to me and started talking to me. I could see that he had a star of david tattoo and a swastika tattoo [????] but he tried to cover them up with his hand while he talked to me. He said he liked my 'style' and asked if i was a punk and i said no. He said he came from another state and asked me what Sydney girls were like and i said i didn't know. He then asked if I wanted to have some 'fun' with him back at his place and I said i had to go home and walked away.

I wasn't particularly shaken but i did think it was pretty creepy. I wondered what kind of signals i was giving off that would make him think asking me this was a good idea. What do you think? Could it be connected to what i was thinking at the time?

That does sound like a very creepy situation. What do you think he meant by "liking your style" and asking you if you were a punk? I do know you have a propensity for counter-culture hairstyles and that kind of thing. Not that I'm criticizing it, but people do tend to judge a lot based on appearances, as you know. I don't exactly have any scientific evidence to back this up, but everyone I've ever known who has presented themselves in that way has had a pretty savage history of rejection and consequently low self-esteem. Do you think it's possible he made that same generalization and assumed you would have low enough self-esteem to get involved with him?  

I agree with Colleen. Most of the girls who dress unconventionally are usually insecure and have low self-esteem. This makes them an easy target for the predators because very often they are easy to get in bed with.

Off-topic: Judging from your avatar, I think you kinda look like the girl from FLCL:

I bet a lot of anime freaks are onto you, as well ^______~

Spratzaman:

Most of the girls who dress unconventionally are usually insecure and have low self-esteem.

I'm not feeling this generalization.  Most girls are usually insecure and have low self-esteem.  Period.  That was my experience in public high school, at least.  Most boys are usually insecure and have low self-esteem as well ;)

 

 Jessen - I would be interested in knowing how you feel about the responses you have received so far. 

Milo:

 

I'm not feeling this generalization.  Most girls are usually insecure and have low self-esteem.  Period.  That was my experience in public high school, at least.  Most boys are usually insecure and have low self-esteem as well ;)

True, true. It's just that most of my experience with girls had been with that certain personality type, so I can't really speak for sure about the rest. Each new pearcing or tattoo was designed to make them feel more wanted and less "ugly". Of course, I'm sure that Jessen is not at all such a person, or else she wouldn't be here now asking this question. I've had the same issues because I used to dress like Jimmy Urine from Mindless Self Indulgence...

Faye:

 Jessen - I would be interested in knowing how you feel about the responses you have received so far. 

Can I ask you the same question you're asking her? My spider sense is telling me that I might have written something disrespectful without realizing it consciously.

 

Wow, that is a creepy situation.  I'm glad you walked away.

Without having been there, I can't really judge why it happened.  But I can say that the male brain is constantly on the lookout for any small signal that a female might be into casual sex.  If you had looked particularly sad, he may have interpreted that as a sign that you were starving for any kind of affection, which would include that 'fun' he mentioned.

 Yeah Im not sure about alt-y girls having lower than usual self esteem either...

I do think that most girls have huge self esteem and self worth issues because of the way they are raised, girl-culture, the media, etc.

I think that girls who are more apt to dye their hair or dress alternatively  are in my experience the more "artsy"  creative girls and in turn are more open to self reflection and their emotions.

This may mean that they understand their damage more, feel it more and therefore are more likely to delve into their emotions and depression rather than repressing it. So maybe they do advertise their low self esteem more,like wearing their hearts on their sleeve.

But I do not think that these type of girls truly have any worse self esteem or self worth problems than most "typical" girls.

I think that in this case this guy was a predator, because he saw you as "punk" thought you were his type which was insta-attraction. And he hit on you so blatantly because he was picking up on your feeling low.

Jessen:

Could it be connected to what i was thinking at the time?

I think you're on to something with that question.  My question is what were you feeling at the time:  Were you just remembering the incident, or were you feeling low/hurt/guilty/unworthy/angry/whatever because of it, or something else completely (maybe you were relieved and overjoyed that you understand your mom and can live your own life….)?

Of course it's possible that he approaches every woman on the street with the "more shots on goal" strategy, but if you think he was responding to something you're probably right.

My opinion is that it's probably more of a vibe that attracted him than a style of dress - and he would have picked you out even if you dressed like a nun, but I wasn't there so what do I know?  I think that people can sense others with 'complementary' problems, and that something invited this guy to approach you.  "Everybody's a genius and everybody's a philosopher".

I remember asking if I could blend in with locals on urban streets when I spent some time in a different country.  A person there told me that everybody would know I'm an outsider just by the way I walk and hold myself.  Somehow people can see stuff.

Kudos to you for you for thinking of this stuff.  It's not your fault that the guy's a creep, but it is probably helpful for you to use it as an interesting data point for figuring out your psyche.

Milo:

Spratzaman:

Most of the girls who dress unconventionally are usually insecure and have low self-esteem.

I'm not feeling this generalization.  Most girls are usually insecure and have low self-esteem.  Period.  That was my experience in public high school, at least.  Most boys are usually insecure and have low self-esteem as well ;)

 

 

i dont have anything to back this up except my own experience, but it seems in general the "punkish" girls/boys tend to have a history of physical and/or sexual abuse, and murderous rejection by their parents, not just 'average' low self esteem. the reason their hair is a different color every week and they get piercings is because they have almost no sense of self.

Colleen:

That does sound like a very creepy situation. What do you think he meant by "liking your style" and asking you if you were a punk? I do know you have a propensity for counter-culture hairstyles and that kind of thing. Not that I'm criticizing it, but people do tend to judge a lot based on appearances, as you know. I don't exactly have any scientific evidence to back this up, but everyone I've ever known who has presented themselves in that way has had a pretty savage history of rejection and consequently low self-esteem. Do you think it's possible he made that same generalization and assumed you would have low enough self-esteem to get involved with him?  

 

 there's a definite possibility i think. I've tried to rid myself of that 'counter culture' persona by taking out all my piercings and dressing more casually, etc but parts of it still cling on, and he might have picked up on that.

Spratzaman:

I agree with Colleen. Most of the girls who dress unconventionally are usually insecure and have low self-esteem. This makes them an easy target for the predators because very often they are easy to get in bed with.

Off-topic: Judging from your avatar, I think you kinda look like the girl from FLCL:

I bet a lot of anime freaks are onto you, as well ^______~

 

 

at an anime convention 2 years ago. DERP.

Jessen:

Could it be connected to what i was thinking at the time?

worger:

I think you're on to something with that question.  My question is what were you feeling at the time:  Were you just remembering the incident, or were you feeling low/hurt/guilty/unworthy/angry/whatever because of it, or something else completely (maybe you were relieved and overjoyed that you understand your mom and can live your own life….)? 

i was feeling absolutely furious at the time, that my mother rejected me so that i sought affection from a teenage predator, and then told me not to be 'slutty'. I think that is beyond sick and twisted.

Faye:

 Jessen - I would be interested in knowing how you feel about the responses you have received so far. 

 

 At first I tried to wave off the 'counter culture' thing, then as i thought about it more, I got really upset. I think it may be because I have so much invested into this 'counter culture' persona that i have been trying to break down over the last couple of years.

I do think that it is how you present yourself, it would be really terrible if your past abuser left a kind of "brand" on your forehead, as a way for other abusers to identify you...

My suggestion would be to go back to your natural hair color, or dye it something conservative, dress in mainstream clothing, walk confidently, maintain eye contact, and see what happens...