Freedomain Radio

Hello.

In 4 hours I am supposed to be sitting at the table. For some odd reason, I struggle deciding wether or not I am to go.

It is my grandmother. I have not truely had a conversation with her in as long as I can remember. I have good memories where she served me excellent foods and tended to my every need, however - it was to the extremes. And when she wasn't stuffing food down my throat, I was no longer part of the conversation. As if I left the room or something along those lines. At times I went home with the worst stomach aches I have experienced due to the simple fact that this woman would not let me stop eating untill she was satisfied with the quantity of food consumed. I suppose my slender build put the thought that my own mother was not feeding me properly into her head. Not suprisingly I stopped wanting to come along with my parents when they were off to visit her.

This was about 18-20 years ago and as said, I have barely spoken to this woman since. I've exchanged a couple of words with her when she have dropped by our house and even then I was reluctant to come out of my room to spend time with them. I tried visiting her once on my own a rougly 2 years ago, but the conversation weren't exactly lively to say the least.

And indeed. The food thing; still quite intense.

However, this time I was not 7 years old and said that I respectfully must ask for a small portion as it is not long since I ate last as she was about to enter the kitchen. I might as well have pulled up a bb-gun and shot her in the ass. She didn't agro and get enraged by this, but there were defenately weird look on her face when I asked if I could have a small portion of whatever she was about to make. As usual, she returned with an insane portion of the good old sort and insisted that I should eat it. "You look skinny", she said and confirmed my suspicions. I bit my tounge and figured what the hell. For old times sakes, ey?

This was my last visit and I have not spoken with her since.

Today, she is 90 years old and I struggle picking up the phone to atleast call her and congratulate her on staying in the race for this long much more than actually going to her party, which I am resisting badly for some reason. And it doesn't feel right. Similar to what one feels when you're a child and you know you're about to or have screwed something up.

Anyhoo. She is not the sole reason for me not wanting to go, I guess. Every time the family gets together, I tend to express my fairly "unorthodox" views on the world and end up in discussions with uncles whom clearly express their understanding towards casuals. You know, them buggers who clash together after football games, etc. And aunts about the upbringing of children, slightly hinting towards my own experience with them without really telling them that it is my direct experience which is reviewing their past performance. Basicly, every time I open my mouth at these things, it seems to be directly contradicting the established views in the pack.

Hey, wait..  Did I just RTR myself?

I don't feel sad anymore about not wanting to go..........

If ever "wtf" was a suitable acronym to use on a forum, I believe this is it.

Any thoughts? Mine doesn't make any sense at this point..

Sounds like a table you really don't want to be sitting at! And now that you don't feel sad about not wanting to go...

What are the negative consequences of not going?

I don't think as you say that it is particularly about your grandmother, but rather about your family as a whole -- how did others respond when they were in the room, and you told your grandmother as a child that you did not want to eat so much -- when you had stomach aches from over eating, did your mother talk to your grandmother, telling her that you were getting sick from over eating?

If not, why not?

There is very important information to be gathered hear about your family as a whole.

Besides hearing all the "not being there at her 90th birthday" stuff, I can't seem to think of anything. But still there's this crazy person going apeshit in my head because I'm apparently not going, though the calm and rational part of me does not feel desperately sad and as if he is betraying something anymore.

I just had the flashback of the century and it is sad indeed.

The adults ate in the livingroom, kids in the kitchen. Grandma usually skipped the eating and spent her time serving the guests. When I complained about stomach aches, guess who got blamed for eating too much. As a consequence of this I don't believe that my mother ever touched the subject with grandma as I for some reason did not attempt to persuade my mother that the overeating was not my fault. I guess I didn't connect the dots as stomach aches according to my knowledgebase at the time was a consequence of eating too much candy before eating proper food..

Change the angle a degree and suddenly it becomes somewhat clearer.....